Welcome to our "Year 2000 Miss Christmas Contest."  On this Christmas Eve, we have three lovely ladies competing for the title of Miss Spirit of Christmas 2000.  Tonight, we'll be deciding who best exemplifies the true spirit of Christmas.  Our lucky winner will receive her choice of four marvelous prizes.  First, there's the best selling book 101 Ways to Party Till You Puke.  Quite a novel gift idea.  Second, we have a string of 1,000 red and green laser lights guaranteed to fry your eyes.  You'll need sunglasses to look at your Christmas tree with this prize.  Third, an official Y2K Survival Kit complete with an assortment of seeds to plant your own crops (if you have time to plant them).  And last, but not least, a Bible.  This is a genuine, simulated leather bound King James version of the Bible with cheaters, so you can be the first to find Habakkuk when your Pastor preaches from there.

Now, without further delay, I'll introduce our contestants.  Miss World!

Are you tired of being powerless in governmental decisions?  Of having no say in the issues of our time?  Well, Rent-a-Senator can solve this problem.  For only $19.99 Rent-a-Senator will provide you with your own personal senator, who will tell you he will vote any way you want on any issue.  As a free bonus, Rent-a-Senator will send you one of the senator-bounced checks in the Bank of the House of Representatives for your very own keepsake.  Also included is a statue for your dashboard of President Clinton. When plugged into your cigarette light, it says, "I never said that."

Now, back to our exciting contest.

(Interrupting) Oh, that's enough.  Remember, this is a family show.

Miss Tinsel, what was your most memorable Christmas?

Stuff's Veterinary & Taxidermy Services where their motto is "We cure them dead or alive.

This here's my dog.  His name is dog.  Why everybody knows his name  When we walked down the street, people would say, "Look, at that there dog. Is he ugly."  Well, one day he got sick.  I knowed he was sick when he barfed up his food and he would not eat it.  For $19.95 plus shipping and handling, Stuff's Veterinary & Taxidermy Services fixed him up real good.

1. He don't bark or chase cars no more.
2. And I save on my dog food bill cause he don't eat much no more.  Why, come to think of it, he don't eat nothin' no more.

I had this here dog bone for nigh on a month now.  I wondered how they taste?  (Biting into bone).  That's not all, you don't have to give Dog baths no more cause he don't chase skunks.  Never could figure out who stunk, me or Dog (sniff underarm).

I highly recommend Stuff's Veterinary & Taxidermy Services.  They sure cured up Dog.  Thank you.

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.  The moment you've all been waiting for.  The envelop please. nbsp;The results of our judges' voting has been tabulated by the famous accounting firm of Shoes, Sneakers, and Laces whose motto is:  "We'll cover the big feats in life."

And the winner is ------ M-i-s-s ---- CHRISTIAN!

Now, before Miss Christian chooses her wonderful prize, one parting word from our runner-up contestants.  Miss World?

Now, let's have a good hand for our runner up contestants.  All right, Miss Christian, which one of these marvelous prizes will it be --

1. The best selling 101 Ways to Party Till You Puke book?
2. The string of 1,000 red and green laser lights guaranteed to fry your eyes?
3. Your official Y2K Survival Kit complete with seeds to plant your own crops (too bad it's too cold to plant now).
4. Or this genuine, simulated leather bound Bible with cheaters?